I’m pleased to offer this guest post written by Meg Wolitzer, a Manhattanite and the author of eight novels, including The Position, The Wife, and The Ten-Year Nap (review). Her short fiction has appeared in The Best American Short Stories and The Pushcart Prize. (Photo credit: Jennifer S. Altman for the New York Times)
Mothers of Contention and the Money Wars
By Meg Wolitzer,
Author of The Ten Year Nap: A Novel
What will become of the mommy wars in the flailing economy? My fantasy (and it is just a fantasy) is that they will eventually fade into obscurity like, say, the Punic Wars — relics from a past that seems to have taken place a very long time ago. The idea of working mothers pitted against non-working mothers in a sort of mud-wrestling championship — in which the winner gets what, exactly? — has a kind of luxury about it that many people, whether they work or not, suddenly no longer feel. While motherhood and work questions have special urgency and relevance in this crisis — What happens when women leave the workforce to stay home with their kids? What are the financial implications down the line? etc. — the rush to judgment is something for fatter, softer times. I haven’t seen an appreciable increase in hostility or smugness on anyone’s part. And I haven’t heard about the publication of a new, lacerating non-fiction book called Ha Ha I was Right, or one called Even If I’d Been Working All This Time I Might Have Been Laid Off Like My Husband.
Though the mommy wars have addressed real and powerful questions, even dipping lightly into those conversations could leave you shaking and defensive. It’s still true that, even now, there isn’t only one definitively right way to have a life. Regardless of this crisis and its cautionary-tale elements (of which there are many), I think it’s a given that people still want to find some way to make their own individual decisions about work and home and motherhood.
Women who work full-time or part-time and those who stay home with their kids (as well as those who now spend their days answering help wanted ads on craigslist) may not experience Helen Reddy solidarity. It may be way too soon to speak about the mommy wars in the past tense, for no one has solved the problem of ambivalence about staying home versus working, or the lack of good, cheap daycare; and no one has found a way for some women not to feel they’re damned if they do, and damned if they don’t. Maybe not even the full-scale meltdown of the economy can keep these particular, familiar wars from raging. But it can try.
©2009 Meg Wolitzer, author of The Ten Year Nap: A Novel
To purchase The Ten Year Nap please visit Riverhead Books/Penguin
Great guest post, Meg and Dawn! Thanks for sharing it with us and giving us much to think about.
Hey, ladies. I liked this so much, I posted the link on Win a Book.
I agree this is a great topic to think about and discuss. I wish women could be more supportive of each other, no matter what choices we make.
Interesting post! I was once a working mom and now stay at home, so I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Neither is good…I got flak on both sides. It is quite irritating at the bullying that goes on, and I often chuckle at the fact that these bullying mothers also have bullying kids! I am finding lately that with the state of the economy, I not only get bullying for staying at home, but real animosity that I didn’t have to go back to work recently to make ends meet, like many have. Why can’t we all just be at peace with our bond as mothers and get along???
To all – we all seem to agree with Meg’s premise, that we should support each other’s choices!
As a stay at home mom, I would hate to be critical of any other mom’s decision to work or stay at home. I don’t think I could pull off both … and I’m glad I don’t have to try. But not everyone is so lucky. I don’t see why there has to be a “war” about it .. everyone needs to do what they need to do. I’m glad I haven’t run into anyone (yet) who has been criticial or nasty about my choices or lack thereof. We all just try to share what works with our crazy kids!
Almost finished reading your book called “The Ten Year Nap”. What really puzzles me is your comment on page 109 and I quote, “I considered grad school too,” she went on, “but these days you end up having to fight for a tenure-track job at some second rate Mennonite college. Not that I even know of any first rate Mennonite college,” she added with a chirping laugh.
What gives Ms. Wolitzer the right to presume that Mennonite colleges are second rate? Is she a Mennonite? Has she or any person she knows well attended a Mennonite college? Before you make statements like this in your book, maybe you should check into Mennonite Colleges.
Jenners – I’m in a similar situation; I’m able to choose to stay home, and (although there are days I joke with my husband that I want to switch places), I’m so glad I can do this.
Bertha – um, I can’t speak for Meg Wolitzer, but the line you’re referring to is something a *character* is saying, not the author.
sheistoofondofbooks, please correct me if I am wrong, but the character who makes the remarks about Mennonite Colleges as noted in my previous email is a figment of Ms. Wolitzer’s imagination. Consequently, the words spoken by the character would be the words that Ms. Wolitzer puts in this character’s mouth. You write in your email and I quote, “but the line you are referring to is something a “character” is saying, not the author”. Surely you cannot believe that this made up character is actually capable of speaking words. My question still remains – What gives Ms. Wolitzer the right to presume that Mennonite colleges are second rate?
Even among my coworkers there is discomfort over decisions to stay at home or go to work. I had one former friend tell me before I had children that other women make is so hard for mothers to work or stay at home. Then, after I became her supervisor and had children, proceeded to tell me in a meeting that I was not a good mother because I let my work (i.e. trying to get her to work to her potential) get to me and that was “damaging” my “angels.” Hmmm…
People will always have their own opinions and many will feel free to share them with you. Whatever your decision and whether it was made for you by circumstance or made intentionally with your eyes wide open, the key is to be comfortable with it. If you are whole in your decision, what others say will be much more easily ignored and discounted.
I don’t understand the whole “war” thing myself. I may be envious of other’s situation, but one thing this book teaches us is that you never know a family’s full situation. Sometimes, the family doesn’t even know it. So, stop judging and live your own life the best you can.