The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons
Hardcover: 288 pages
Publisher: The Penguin Press (August 25, 2009)
ISBN-13: 978-1594202186
Back-of-the-book blurb: In The Curse of the Good Girl, Rachel Simmons argues that in lionizing the Good Girl we are teaching girls to embrace a version of selfhood that sharply curtails their power and potential. Unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless, the Good Girl is a paradigm so narrowly defined that it’s unachievable. When girls inevitably fail to live up-experiencing conflicts with peers, making mistakes in the classroom or on the playing field-they are paralyzed by self-criticism, stunting the growth of vital skills and habits. Simmons traces the poisonous impact of Good Girl pressure on development and provides a strategy to reverse the tide. At the core of Simmons’s radical argument is her belief that the most critical freedom we can win for our daughters is the liberty not only to listen to their inner voice but also to act on it. At once expository and prescriptive, The Curse of the Good Girl is a call to arms from a new front in female empowerment.
She is Too Fond of Books‘ review: I read Rachel Simmons’ Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls about 5 or 6 years ago. I was in a book group with wonderful women who had children around the same ages as mine. One month we chose to read Simmons’ Odd Girl Out (mothers of girls) and William Pollack’s Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood (mothers of boys); lucky me, I got to read both! Odd Girl Out really struck a chord, because each of us could already see this “hidden aggression” in our daughters’ peer groups; they were only in second grade at the time, but the “third wheel” snubbing, verbal bullying and “just kidding” (not!) teasing had begun.
The Curse of the Good Girl is a timely follow-up that not only cites dozens of real-life examples of how the desire to please can stifle a girl’s ability to show (and share) her true emotions, but also offers strategies to help our daughters break these habits and learn ways to express their authentic reactions and communicate their needs.
Here’s an example of Good Girl behavior from a conversation between my 13-year-old daughter (LW13) and me … it doesn’t get any more “real life” than that! This happened within the last week: a neighbor called to ask if LW13 would walk her son home from the bus stop for the first few weeks of school. He’s coming home to an empty house for about an hour, and Mom wanted to be sure he got in the house OK with the new routine – she said it was more for her comfort than his. LW13 said she would “be happy to do that” and “oh, no, you don’t have to pay me” when the neighbor offered her $20 a week. Here’s what we spoke about, later that afternoon:
me: Did you and Mrs. K get all the details worked out?
LW13: Yeah, I’ll just walk him home when I go up the hill.
me: I was surprised to hear you say you wouldn’t take any money for it.
LW13: Well, it’s not a big deal. I’m coming off the bus anyway. It was too much money; $20 for that is ridiculous.
me: It is a commitment on your part though. Could you have suggested a lower rate if you thought $20 was too much?
LW13: Really, it’s not a big deal. Does this have anything to do with that book you’re reading [hmm. She's not only Good, she's Smart]
me: Well, in a way. I’ve been reading and thinking about how we value ourselves, and what it says to other people. What do you tell people when they ask what you charge for babysitting?
LW13: I tell them I usually get $7 an hour, but if that’s too much we can work something out.
me: Work something out? If your rate is $7, why would you sit for less?
LW13: Because I want them to like me. And maybe if they like me they’ll decide to pay me more.
She then asked if I was going to quote her! I did ask her permission to share the conversation, and she understands that it’s illustrative and not mocking her answers to my questions.
Can you imagine the alarm bells going off as we had this chat?! “I want them to like me” – wow! I don’t think I would have pushed the initial conversation (about declining payment for walking the neighbor home), never mind fishing for telling statements in the rest of our dialogue if I hadn’t been alerted to these cues in The Curse of the Good Girl. Simmons addresses the “I want them to like me” mindset :
Pay attention when she uses words like “nice” and “cool” to describe adults. This is a sign that she may be applying the rules of friendship to professional relationships. These are her first nonfamilial or social relationships, and she should understand the difference. Your daughter needs to know that no matter how much she likes certain teachers or coaches, they are not her friends. She will have many relationships in life where being liked is not the point, including those with a colleague, a doctor or lawyer, a boss or subordinate. Personal connections with teachers are wonderful, but a teacher’s first priority is to teach, and your daughter’s goal is to learn. A “nice” relationship with someone is not a precondition for working with or listening to her.
Simmons proceeds to give advice and strategies that parents can use when modeling Real World rules (as opposed to the Good Girl rules many girls are living by now). Ultimately, the sooner we teach them Real World rules, the stronger they will grow, indeed thrive.
Reading this book has reminded me that I/we always need to be vigilant in spotting behaviors that many shrug off as casualties of adolescence, but are truly the foundation for life-long habits. I’m recommending this book to my group that read Odd Girl Out, to mothers of daughters everywhere, and to women who may have some “Grown-Up Good Girl” in them.
Rachel Simmons has been touring radio and television with the release of The Curse of the Good Girl. I was particularly struck by this audio interview from WAMC in Great Barrington, Massachusetts. In this clip, she defines the Good Girl paradigm and explains how it relates to Odd Girl Out. Try the “sit like a man; sit like a woman” test on your daughter; then think about the message in those video game characters. You’ll want to read more!
About the author: A graduate of Vassar Collage, Simmons has been researching female aggression for over ten years. She is the founding director of the Girls’ Leadership Institute, and consults with schools and organizations worldwide. More information about the author and her workshops can be found at her Leadership for Life website.
Did you try “sit like a man; sit like a woman?” What were the results?
I really need to get my hands on this book. Raising a tween age daughter is so incredibly hard. I mean, I remember the issues I faced at that age, but this is a whole different ballgame. I am shocked at the manipulation, the bullying, the sexual interest…Lord help us all. There are days when my stomach is in knots because Emma is struggling to navigate through her friendships without selling herself out. She does have the curse of the Good Girl…she is the typical overachiever who want to be everything to everybody. Excellent review. We don’t see enough of these books out here in the blogosphere!
Great review!! I’ve got two step-daughters, and both are certainly “good girls.” I hadn’t heard of this book, but I definitely want to read it now. Thanks!
I, too, have ‘good girls’…3 of them. My 19 year old has finally gotten past it (it seems to me) and I’m working through it with the 16 year old twins, now. Maybe I should take a look at this book – great review!
LW13 is smart and adorable. And hmmmm,, $7 for babysitting – I might have to get into that profession! Do you have to declare it for taxes? At any rate, it really sounds like a must-read book, not only for parents, but for former good girls!
Very interesting. And very true. And one of the reasons that I didn’t like women very much until I around 40 or so. I’ll be recommending this one.
Sounds like something I need to pick up. Although my “good” girl will always stand up for herself when it comes to her peers. Girls really are so mean to each other–”good” girls can get eaten alive.
Great review! I am a mother of two boys – do you think I could learn anything from this book, or is only about girls?
I’m part of the book tour too. Reading this, it really disturbed me how much of it rang true w/ me.
Sandy – highly, highly recommended. I feel that my daughter is mature enough that I can talk with her directly about the issues. She’ll catch me in Good Girl moments, too.
amy – Simmons uses the phrase “self-imposed emotional glass ceiling”. We’ve been grooming them to be Good, but it’s at their eventual expense (in many ways)
JoAnn – great that you can see more authenticity in your 19 yr old. So much of this is subtle, but now my eyes are re-opened to it.
rhapsody – yes, I saw more than a little of myself in parts
As for the babysitting – I made $1 an hour back in the Dark Ages!
Beth F – I plan to keep it in my room (not filed on the shelves) so I can re-read parts in a few months … keep it at the front of my mind.
Lisa – that “meanness” was the theme in ODD GIRL OUT. THE CURSE OF THE GIRL GOOD shows how Good Girl behavior can lead to that aggression (a vicious cycle!)
Jackie – Simmons’ research is on girls, so the examples are all female, based on the phenomen. However, I don’t think the behavior is exclusive to girls (my boys don’t always show their true feelings). You might benefit from some of tips in Part Two (and if you come in contact with girls, your sons’ peers, it might be illuminating)
Eva – I had a conversation with my older daughter about that. Especially as a SAHM, I want to make sure my kids are aware of who I really am (and I downplay my education and my role “before kids” … must change that!)
I love your review and this book looks really, really interesting. I’ve actually read and listened to some experts speak about how girls downplay their achievement is the hopes of being “liked” more. It is something that ends up being played out in adulthood…many women are underpaid for their services because women do not like to cause “waves” and try to be peacekeepers in all of their relationships.
I myself downplayed my achievements for years so that my girl friends would like me and I would feel like I fit in. (aka the we are “fat” and “ugly” conversations of teenagers). Now, I refuse to do it. Which has lost me some friends, but I refuse to be less than what I am to please others.
I have a daughter, who is 3, who I hope will not undervalue herself so that she is liked. So far, she’s a bit domineering, headstrong, stubborn, sweet and shy little girl who I hope will learn to believe that she is as special as I think she is.
Sounds like an important book for mothers with daughters.
Oh, this is extremely fascinating!
This sounds like a must read for the parents of daughters! When hiring babysitters, I encountered the same kind of behavior your daughter displayed – I’d ask how much they charged and the response would be “whatever you want to pay me.”
I do think our society is encouraging this “friendly” behavior between girls and adults. I’ve heard lots of women refer to their young daughters as their “best friend.” I find it rather unnerving.
Great review of what sounds like a great book!
Okay, I definitely need to get my hands on this one. Thanks. I like to think that I’ve tried to raise my daughter (9) to think and act for herself, but I think sometimes my own”good girl” probably gets in the way. I want people to like her, you know. Does that make sense?
I think this a book I should try to get my hands on soon. I recognize some of the issues that your post addresses in my own daughter. Particularly the tendency for her to want to have friendly relationships with teachers and coaches. I have never really examined that, but what the author says about it really makes sense.
I also remember being a teenager who reacted similarly to the way your daughter acted in terms of the compensation for babysitting. I always felt a little uncomfortable setting a rate, and instead allowed myself to be paid whatever the parents thought was fair. Looking back, I can see that I cheated myself, and that I wanted to be thought of as friendly, nice, and undemanding.
This book seems to explore a lot of interesting issues. Thanks for the introspective review, I will be looking for this one.
What Eva said. I think I need this book.
Wow. What an interesting book. It sounds like a must read for parents..I wonder how many of the topics carry over to grown, adult women; not just in the social scene but in the workplace, do we always value ourselves as much as we should (based on the trend that men make more than women).
Hi everyone! This post from Dawn was one of my favorite media mentions ever and I have LOVED reading your comments. I’m definitely going to do a blog post for Teen Vogue on how babysitters can ask for a raise. And…not sure if you saw Dawn’s tweet about telling her contractor it wasn’t cool to come late to the job, but her Real Girl moment is inspiring me to ask readers to share their own Real Girl experiences. Clearly, we all have Good Girl regrets. But how cool would it be to start compiling snapshots of when we rocked something with our real feelings or just decided not to be liked in that moment…whatever it is, stop by my site and share! I’m going to give a free signed copy of the book to the best Real Girl moment!
This sounds like a MUST READ for parents with young girls.
Tracie – my sister “got it” years before I did (be true to yourself). It sounds like you have a good attitude and perspective.
Stacy and Care – that’s it exactly, a “must read”
Kathy – THE CURSE OF THE GOOD GIRL made my hyper-aware of the modeling I do, and I’m trying to choose my words/actions carefully.
Carol – one of the points that Simmons makes is that girls need to know they don’t have to be liked by everyone (in fact, that puts pressure, because we don’t need to like everyone in return). It sounds like you want your daughter to be happy, which is what I want for my kids, too.
zibilee – yep! And even though I’m years past babysitting, I can think of times I’ve undervalued myself (my time, my efforts, etc.) in order to not cause waves.
Nymeth and Diane – check out my giveaway post!
Nicole – I’ve shared this with my “niece-in-law” (is that right?) who is a teacher; we briefly discussed that line between teachers as friendly and teachers as friends. I’m sharing the workshop info with her, and hope she or some of her colleagues can attend.
Rachel – Thanks so much for your comments. Your book really struck me, both in relation to my daughter’s actions and my own. Definitely a reference that I’ll refer back to for reminders and “checking in.”
Sounds interesting. I’m currently reading a book about the bad girl image and how women really feel about it. Look for my review in the upcoming weeks. I feel like this is a discussion and area of study worth pursuing for so many reasons.
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